Monday, April 07, 2014

Worn Out

It's no surprise about our past winter, there's really nothing to say about it except...


Everything. My precious Patagonia coat is leaking from almost every seam, distributing tiny white feathers all over Chicago.

Shoes, their soles are worn out and my awesome Merrell boots are unwearable, they could just come apart on the street.

Our couch has a big seam rip in it.

We just found out last night one of John's last pair of wearable pants has a huge hole in the back.

Everything is tired and broken and on it's last everythings, including us I think.

But here's the thing. We made it.

John and I made it! With very little $$ coming in and little work for either of us, we freaking made it through this horrible winter. I honestly feel like we won a battle. Like we are the victors.

But we have to get the swords sharpened, get the chain mail re-linked, get the swords shined (hee) and stock up on bunny rabbits and root vegetables.

Now we both have a ton of work, summer is coming - I feel like today and tomorrow are the "last icky days," so I'm going to sit on the couch with a blanket and watch Family Feud with Steve Harvey one last time - because summer is here and the battles will start again. 

Sunday, March 16, 2014

Cozy pants and a sweatshirt

That is totally where I am today. And that is great.

After many months I finally had a busy week this week, tours! Meetings! Plays! Musicals! Art!

It was nice. So today is the first day since about Christmas that I feel I have the right to rest and not go outside. It's cold out today. So.

I haven't been writing much here and I think about it. Not nag myself or anything, but more of a why am I not writing here? On the surface (I think), it's because of the above reason - there's just not that much going on for me right now. But of course every day there are a million things going on, so it's not really that.

Maybe I'm not willing to go into a lot here anymore. I mean, I'm feeling all kinds of things, so many things, but I just...

Sabrina and I were talking yesterday, she's been listening to a lot of Buddhist podcasts lately and she mentioned how she just wants to shut up and listen lately, not talk so much and just listen. I warned here, because I did this too, I warned her that people generally won't ask her much about herself, that she will stay quiet.

Once I shut up, this was probably, I don't know maybe 6 months ago? Once I shut up, it was very weird. Lots of people just stopped asking about me. And that is really okay, I'm not judging this, just something I noticed. We're all so much in our own minds, so many worries and fears, that once you find someone that will just listen, well then you just talk. Also, I think people assume if you're not talking, that you're okay you know? Especially women, we all know that if we need to talk, we'll tell you, we NEED TO TALK. So if you're not talking, you're fine.

Again, all good (also fun to see the people that don't let you off the hook, even when you shut up, love those people).

But I think it carries over to this blog - I have kind of shut up. I could vent or complain or over-emphasize but I'm trying to figure out the balance of shutting up and sharing yourself. So I think on this blog I've just shut up a little bit.


Anyway. Go see art. Seriously. Just go see some frakking art. Any art. I don't care what it is. Just. Art.

Thursday, March 06, 2014

I'm Feeling It

Oh my god I feel awful today. Not awful. stomach doesn't feel real good, I haven't been eating all that well.

I have cabin FEVER.

I'm bored.

I'm kinda chunky for me.

I'm creatively...mmm...not stuck...but mired in it.


And today? Today it's all hitting the shit fan and I just now realized, in the best possible way.

I'm just tired of it today, not dealing with it, I have the day to myself and instead of forcing myself to go out, I'm staying home, taking it easy, drinking tea and eating little. Just rest the mind a bit, quiet.

And I realized as I sat down to work I just took care of about 6 things I didn't want to take care of and haven't been taking care of. Emails I didn't want to answer, phone calls I didn't want to make. Most of these somehow were "no" choices. No to this or that. "No" can be hard sometimes. Some were just things I didn't want to take care of.

And I just whipped them out just now. Because I don't feel like taking shit today. It's dumb today to waste too much time crafting a no email - just say no. Be done with it.

And I have. And it's really nice! HA! Take that feeling shitty, I win.

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Another Vortex

Whatever. I'm so good at these now. I'm really good at it right now. John is freelancing so I've got the house to myself. I cleaned it, you know how when you have the house to yourself, you want it to be clean? So it's all clean. I've had a quiet morning of some exercise, a little stretching, a little attention to my body, waking that sucker up.

I listened to the radio, cleaned up a little. I closed off my office because there's no reason to heat it right now (plus I've hidden my four secret children in there) so I'm at the dining room table with the sun shining in and no noise except the calm hum of the humidifier.

So yeah, I'm good. Bring on the vortex.

Survivor starts tonight.


Quiet. Warm.

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

On Relaxing My Crack

Popular improv advice, relax your crack.

I'm getting pretty good at relaxing my crack when it comes to my work. When it comes to the future and money and my life? My crack is tight! But when it comes to tours, etc., I'm pretty relaxed. It's partly why I love it because it generally brings me joy and confidence and doesn't make me feel weird or rushed.

My juggernaut, this creative work I'm doing here - it's really interesting. I find myself, not struggling with it, it's not that negative, but I sense these thoughts, it's like meditation, I sense all these hindrances (in Buddhism the five hindrances are: sensory desire, ill-will, sloth, restlessness and of course, doubt) and I really sense them when I sit down to work.

Even though I enjoy the work, I find at different points during it I battle almost each one of those, doubt oh my god - why am I doing this? Who cares? I'm no good at this. This is dumb. Waste of time.  Restlessness for sure, just now, the thing that led me to this blog post was finding myself hurrying the work. Almost mad at myself for not going faster. Faster for who? For what? Ridiculous. What am I rushing? Where am I trying to get to exactly? Sloth??? My god, I'm the master at sloth. Why look at my juggernaut instead of that shiny facebook page? Sensory desire is crazy, if I listen to Let It Go one more time...

And I push through it and recognize those demons for what they are and giggle at them and let them float away and let the next one arise and keep on keeping on with the work.

It's fun to see them in all their glory.

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Just keeping myself from freaking out

Maintenance. I'm maintaining.

I'm making sure I don't flip out about any number of things - money (it's kind of um, going fast and February NOT the best time for making tour money, heh), work, creative things, family, friends, life, old age, menopause, falling down, getting old, going broke, getting rich, succeeding, failing -

All of this is seriously just making sure I don't flip from cabin fever.


It's supposed to get up to 32 and I cannot believe how excited we all are.

But here's me, clingy, weird Buddhist me, over here, on Feb. 11th thinking - it's over. Winter's over. This is really it. And real soon it's all going to come flooding in and I cling to a winter that has even begun to end and at the same time I'm begging for some warmer weather.

I don't know. I feel like I"m in a holding pattern, not with work or whatever, I have lots of ideas and lots I'm working on but, I don't know. February.

So I have not much to post, everything I'm thinking about it the same old shit.

I got nothing.

Anyone doing anything? ANYONE????

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Well well well

That was fun.

A little piece I wrote struck a nerve and it got passed around and people liked it, they REALLY liked it!

Of course, I can't put my finger on why. Timing, writing, sharing - something just clicked. I like what I wrote, it's a great piece, but I couldn't tell you why this one.

And I can't recreate it ever. Or cling to it.

But I'll tell you what, it is a TON of fun to have people like something that I wrote. It's fun that people are seeing it and they're loving it and I think that what I come back to every time with anything Chicago Elevated related, is that everything I do for it, pretty much, is done out of truth of the mission. I love this city so much. It has given me so much, all I want to do is pay it back.

My work comes from a true and honest place of teaching people how awesome Chicago is. The writing is another way I can convey the same thought. Lost and Found - it has different intentions.
My personal life - different intentions. But Chicago Elevated, it is really just the one intention.

I don't stray from it much because it feels really good to have something so honest and unblemished.


YAY. Hee. Omg.